I remember realizing at the peak of my depressive episode that I had not been healthily loved by the most important people in my life, by those that claimed to love me most. It is deeply negative statement, and it is true. This insight came to me in bed at 5 in the morning. I called my school’s 24/7 crisis line, and upon saying I am having a panic attack because I think nobody loves me or has loved me, the counselor responded, "Don't our worries just seem so childish and insignificant sometimes?" 

​Having read bell hooks now, I know that knowing love is not only of concern to the child but to all of us, as our destiny is love and fulfillment of the soul. In the deepest depths of my depression, the promise of love saved me. I was lucky enough to have a taste of true love that I savored long after it was gone, and the fortunate timing of a true love story that helped me regenerate when i was falling apart. It is intriguing and comforting to know that several conclusions I came to about love before reading bell hooks are affirmed in her work. That love can be learned through life experience alone reaffirms my belief in its power. It does seem easier to learn about love through her work, but I’m not sure if you would be able to understand if you didn't come to some conclusions about love already.

Talking with a dear friend about finding a workplace in which you can be yourself, we realized that we are in the minority of thought. For many it is not important. But as somebody who grew up with a parent who lived as much of her life as purposefully as she could, having found her values and passion so sincerely, I can only follow in her footsteps. Nothing, not money or stability or even family is worth that. To her at least, family was not as high of a value. But she inspires me to live purposefully anyways.

I have experienced dysfunctional love at best. I know logically that love and abuse cannot coexist, but I still hold on to my childhood to try and see how I may have been loved. Perhaps I was partially loved. Cared for sometimes, committed to even with declarations of abandonment every month or so, given and upheld responsibility, trusted with intimate knowledge… but possibly not respected at all. I know that given different circumstances, my mother would have been capable of perfect love as we all are. But trauma takes that ability away from you sometimes and I do not fault her completely for being incapable of loving me.

The core values of honesty, strength, bravery, and loyalty are key to have if you want to live a loving life. It is especially brave to choose to love in this world if you are not cisgendered and heterosexual. I know that many critique being complimented or acknowledged for their resilience. Personally, I value the compliment. We have become strong even though who you are does not demand that of you to be fulfilled. I am proud. Know that this strength is what lets you live a loving life right now. I hope in a better world there is no need for unnecessary strength gained from trauma.

I crave intimacy deeply from a romantic partner. I am letting you know my body and you have to know me if you want to learn anything. 

Understanding what you turns you on, what you want another to do to you, what you want to do to another, all of this is essential knowledge about the most intimate parts of you. Every act of kink (which must be consensual to be considered kink!!!) is an act of love between people whether it be platonic, romantic, or the simple innate love of community. It is a shared experience in an environment cultivated for community. Care, commitment, trust, responsibility, knowledge, respect-- all of these are the foundation of play. Open and honest communication, established and respected boundaries, acknowledgement of the power exchange between you and the responsibility that comes with that power... it can be nothing other than love. Sex at its most powerful-- its power being connection-- is love and knowledge of the body and mind and self. Like perfect and true love it is transformative, soul-affirming, life-changing, and indescribably more.

The exception of domination in a sexual context is possible in a world of love because of consent. I believe participating in kink on any level involves love. All elements are there and the importance of them stressed. They are acts of love between people, even if you do not choose to love this person as a romantic partner outside of play.

My experience is this. I crave a partner I can be of service to. I want them to let me make all the decisions for them because they don’t want to. Not mere indecisiveness, but a desire to be loved and cared for without worry. Who I can tell to fuck me harder, buy flowers for me at the grocery store, wash my hair, and who wants that just as bad as I want this. To be blessed with a partner who trusts me enough to give me this power: the power of control, of authority, of ascendancy. I believe this is possible and even healthy in a world of love.

In this society and many others before ours, sexual deviance “beyond the norm” has been so fucking stigmatized, punished, and deeply disrespected. This violence is so unnecessary to our lives. How we love is who we are. That never stays suppressed for long nor should it. In a better world, we live honestly, courageously, and passionately. With loyalty to our values and who we love. I see no reason why this should mean hiding our sexual preferences. Believe that I firmly push back against the current veil of shame and secrecy surrounding kink and BDSM, because that is a veil around love. It deserves to be burnt to ashes.