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I recently watched Arcane season 2 and I knew it was gonna fuck me up but I expected it to be from Jinx, not Viktor and Jayce. I am so not normal about certain male couples (Quentin & Eliot, Arthur & Merlin) but how could I be, when writers give them the most insane tragic cosmic love stories.  Viktor and Jayce, Season 2 Episode 9 of Arcane I want to save the world and I am a perfectionist.* I think a lot of scientists can relate and I see a lot of myself in Viktor with disability too. It seems unquestionably logical that if I could cure migraine I would and that the world would be better off without it. Part of me truly believes I'm a lesser person for having chronic migraine, mental illness, scary genes, and a scarred past. Genetic disorders like thalassemia are horrible and I support the choice to not have kids because of it. It's something I consider in my life that some people don't, but some people do. While I never believed in this final, glorious evolution Viktor kept ranting about, I still feel inadequate as myself like all those people that came to Herald/Hexcore Viktor. Honestly, I really needed to hear Jayce's speech and Viktor's words. Viktor got to speak to his past self, something I've wished I could do a thousand times. I'm still fuzzy on the whole time thing and how past Viktor even exists to send Jayce back in time but his words man... "There is no prize to perfection. Only an end to pursuit. Only you can show me this." - Viktor"There is beauty in imperfections. They made you who you are. An inseparable piece of everything... I admired about you." - JayceIt's so sad how Jayce strayed from Viktor in season 1. They should've been together the whole time, because love would have given Viktor a lot of the answer-- peace-- he was looking for. If you fall in true love, disability isn't hated. Disability and imperfection is loved. But I have an extremely hard time accepting that could be true for me (that unique god-chosen but really prime human exceptionalism/emo ego mindset popping out), so I understand why others can't understand it for themselves. I can see how beautiful love is for others including the fact that it can find those that feel unlovable but I feel like I'll always be that outside person, not inside. That someone could look at me at my worst... on my bad days... and not lose respect or affection or desire feels more unrealistic than my dream of a world without capitalism. Jayce saying that the worst can even be what makes you beautiful was so romantic and sad and I have to admit, true. The scene where Viktor holds the rune, Jayce wraps his hands around it, the rune flashes and throws Jayce off, Viktor is scared and in pain, and Jayce comes back again was such a perfect visualization of what it is to love someone disabled... the coming back even if we cause accidental pain. It makes me happy that Jayce finally knows that's what Viktor needs because it makes me think somebody out there could see that's what I need. It also feels horribly embarrassing and vulnerable but this story and Queliot tell me that's okay because sometimes we are majorly depressed and vulnerable. That which causes us our deepest pain also provides an opportunity for greater love. It's freaking beautiful. Arcane is so sad because they do mirrors phenomenally well. Viktor and Jayce, Viktor and Jinx, Jinx and Vi, Ekko and Powder/Jinx, Caitlyn and Vi, Caitlyn and Jinx, Jinx & Silco, Vi and Vander... a lot of pairs with immense love. Relationships really get me but I like to think I get relationships too. I wonder if I'll write more about Arcane... lowkey I just wanna say Jinx is totally alive and I hope Ekko is living his best fucking life version 2.0
*I watched a video essay that describes Viktor from the beginning as compassionate and ambitious. The kindness within him makes him an alluring personality and it’s pleasing to know others see the good side too. I don’t know why, but it is.
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sharing because those tumblr instagram girlies that repost sad romantic heartbroken depressing stuff really scratches an itch in my brain sometimes
i don't remember us anymore and i can't tell if that's good or bad. i think about being wrapped up at night, but i don't remember your arms around me. i can't feel what it's like to be in love anymore. i know i want it, and i believe so strongly in it. the goal is to have love in life, i am pretty sure. but i don't remember what it was to laugh at your jokes and spend hours doing nothing together. there's something else i can't remember but i feel that i'm missing it too. is this what it's supposed to be? moving on is just forgetting, whether you want to or not. i almost remember what it's like to be kissed, to hold somebody... to even want somebody the way i wanted you, but an actual remembrance is gone. i deleted all our photos and videos and that significantly aided the memory loss process. i remember coming across one incredibly sweet good night message with your crazy smile and i remembered that when i received it i felt loved, and i loved you. i don't remember what it's like to get those or even want to send them anymore. i don't remember being loved as much as i want to be loved... as much as i should be loved? am i good enough for that much love? trying poetry ghost cheek kisses and phantom arms around mine Let me show you how to feel. be a spirit in a sunbeam with me, haunt me be the echo of my charm bracelet, jingle when i shake my wrists. At my lowest, depression offered searing yet insightful truths about myself. But the more negative the thought was, the more true I thought it was. What I learned in that time sucked me so far into myself that I lost sight of the full picture of who I am. I urge you to remember: depression cannot ever offer you the whole truth. You are not being honest with yourself if you cannot admit and believe in your best qualities. At the core of those, it is that you can live a loving life, loving others. Why? Because you are a being. Not even a human, but a thing on this earth that has the gift of experiencing time as it passes. I have come out of my latest dark period with certain belief in many of my negative truths, but also with the motivation to better myself because of them. Betterment means drawing out the strands of love that weren’t apparent in past experiences, approaching new situations with each facet of love in mind, and practicing accepting peace with myself in the present. I don’t mean to suggest that you should romanticize the past. Instead, look from all angles to see the ways the elements of love were and were not present. What was lacking? What do you value the most? What did the people in your life value? Was anything good there? I remember realizing at the peak of my depressive episode that I had not been healthily loved by the most important people in my life, by those that claimed to love me most. It is deeply negative statement, and it is true. This insight came to me in bed at 5 in the morning. I called my school’s 24/7 crisis line, and upon saying I am having a panic attack because I think nobody loves me or has loved me, the counselor responded, "Don't our worries just seem so childish and insignificant sometimes?"
Having read bell hooks now, I know that knowing love is not only of concern to the child but to all of us, as our destiny is love and fulfillment of the soul. In the deepest depths of my depression, the promise of love saved me. I was lucky enough to have a taste of true love that I savored long after it was gone, and the fortunate timing of a true love story that helped me regenerate when i was falling apart. It is intriguing and comforting to know that several conclusions I came to about love before reading bell hooks are affirmed in her work. That love can be learned through life experience alone reaffirms my belief in its power. It does seem easier to learn about love through her work, but I’m not sure if you would be able to understand if you didn't come to some conclusions about love already. I have experienced dysfunctional love at best. I know logically that love and abuse cannot coexist, but I still hold on to my childhood to try and see how I may have been loved. Perhaps I was partially loved. Cared for sometimes, committed to even with declarations of abandonment every month or so, given and upheld responsibility, trusted with intimate knowledge… but possibly not respected at all. I know that given different circumstances, my mother would have been capable of perfect love as we all are. But trauma takes that ability away from you sometimes and I do not fault her completely for being incapable of loving me.
The core values of honesty, strength, bravery, and loyalty are key to have if you want to live a loving life. It is especially brave to choose to love in this world if you are not cisgendered and heterosexual. I know that many critique being complimented or acknowledged for their resilience. Personally, I value the compliment. We have become strong even though who you are does not demand that of you to be fulfilled. I am proud. Know that this strength is what lets you live a loving life right now. I hope in a better world there is no need for unnecessary strength gained from trauma. There's so much I hate about becoming a person again. I can't stand it, the disappointment and waiting and the growing feeling that even if I figure out how to love somebody, it wouldn't matter. There's too much of me to love and so much to hate and a lot that nobody can see. I bleed my heart and my mind if you're in my reach and I probably need to learn how to shut up. I really don't think I can ever learn to love again but that's alright because I'll wrap myself up so tight in my ego that nobody would want me to. A deal struck between me and the rest of the world. I think love should be a religion. I think love is religious for me. It might be tied to kink, but there is so much power in love alone. I would do anything for anyone.
I don't think I could find anybody that loves me more than I love myself. By love I mean know, I suppose, because what greater form of love is there besides devotion to the subject? To say I will study you and that you fascinate me. That I want to ask questions constantly cause I have a curiosity of you that could never be satisfied. That I could spend a lifetime getting to know you and there would still be more I would want to learn. |