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All my old stuff is what people care about now, and it's too hard for other people to look back into my past and absorb that. I think these musings below fall into personal love so read at your own risk... I'm giving you a warning before you get to know me. Your choice buddy! What I have been thinking about lately, even though I think most of my thoughts come too early for people to understand their significance, is sadism. That is a weird thing to bring in relation to love but I look at the categories I have on this blog (abuse, depression, love and kink) and think it's maybe not so different from thoughts I've had before. I've been thinking a lot about sadism because of the massive pain society is going through right now. So many support it and love it and find it fun. Most of humanity is obsessed with finding ways to have the most fun. And sadism is fun.
Within this blog and my Succession blog, I've had a lot of thoughts about pain, love, and their relationship. I have specific experiences in my personal life that have taught me a lot about those concepts too. What I've learned is that people love pain and we are meant to. It's not something we love all the time, but we love it sometimes. Pain is fun, and humanity wants to have fun. Desire for entertainment is fundamental to humanity, just like our curious drive. Killers, made and born, have created a society that is fun for them. But the kind of pain we have is wrong. As a creative sadist myself, I see sweeter pain we could all experience. Humanity at its best is one that can love-- not glorify-- the pain of grief, tragedy, trauma, and heartbreak. I know suffering is inescapable, thanks to previous philosophers and my own experiences. And I think humanity can learn (and needs) to have a better relationship with pain. My heart has been blocked from coming up with significant new thoughts about love. I think I'm at a point in my practice where love being the basis of life is a given, not something I grapple with accepting. I know pursuit of real love and good science is gonna improve the world. What I rage against every day is how the state of the world violates that principle to abuse the world over and over and over again.
I recently watched Arcane season 2 and I knew it was gonna fuck me up but I expected it to be from Jinx, not Viktor and Jayce. I am so not normal about certain male couples (Quentin & Eliot, Arthur & Merlin) but how could I be, when writers give them the most insane tragic cosmic love stories.  Viktor and Jayce, Season 2 Episode 9 of Arcane I want to save the world and I am a perfectionist.* I think a lot of scientists can relate and I see a lot of myself in Viktor with disability too. It seems unquestionably logical that if I could cure migraine I would and that the world would be better off without it. Part of me truly believes I'm a lesser person for having chronic migraine, mental illness, scary genes, and a scarred past. Genetic disorders like thalassemia are horrible and I support the choice to not have kids because of it. It's something I consider in my life that some people don't, but some people do. While I never believed in this final, glorious evolution Viktor kept ranting about, I still feel inadequate as myself like all those people that came to Herald/Hexcore Viktor. Honestly, I really needed to hear Jayce's speech and Viktor's words. Viktor got to speak to his past self, something I've wished I could do a thousand times. I'm still fuzzy on the whole time thing and how past Viktor even exists to send Jayce back in time but his words man... "There is no prize to perfection. Only an end to pursuit. Only you can show me this." - Viktor"There is beauty in imperfections. They made you who you are. An inseparable piece of everything... I admired about you." - JayceIt's so sad how Jayce strayed from Viktor in season 1. They should've been together the whole time, because love would have given Viktor a lot of the answer-- peace-- he was looking for. If you fall in true love, disability isn't hated. Disability and imperfection is loved. But I have an extremely hard time accepting that could be true for me (that unique god-chosen but really prime human exceptionalism/emo ego mindset popping out), so I understand why others can't understand it for themselves. I can see how beautiful love is for others including the fact that it can find those that feel unlovable but I feel like I'll always be that outside person, not inside. That someone could look at me at my worst... on my bad days... and not lose respect or affection or desire feels more unrealistic than my dream of a world without capitalism. Jayce saying that the worst can even be what makes you beautiful was so romantic and sad and I have to admit, true. The scene where Viktor holds the rune, Jayce wraps his hands around it, the rune flashes and throws Jayce off, Viktor is scared and in pain, and Jayce comes back again was such a perfect visualization of what it is to love someone disabled... the coming back even if we cause accidental pain. It makes me happy that Jayce finally knows that's what Viktor needs because it makes me think somebody out there could see that's what I need. It also feels horribly embarrassing and vulnerable but this story and Queliot tell me that's okay because sometimes we are majorly depressed and vulnerable. That which causes us our deepest pain also provides an opportunity for greater love. It's freaking beautiful. Arcane is so sad because they do mirrors phenomenally well. Viktor and Jayce, Viktor and Jinx, Jinx and Vi, Ekko and Powder/Jinx, Caitlyn and Vi, Caitlyn and Jinx, Jinx & Silco, Vi and Vander... a lot of pairs with immense love. Relationships really get me but I like to think I get relationships too. I wonder if I'll write more about Arcane... lowkey I just wanna say Jinx is totally alive and I hope Ekko is living his best fucking life version 2.0
*I watched a video essay that describes Viktor from the beginning as compassionate and ambitious. The kindness within him makes him an alluring personality and it’s pleasing to know others see the good side too. I don’t know why, but it is. I am more myself now and I think that’s all we can truly be. The boxes our society wants to put us in aren’t our places. Our place is our own; it is what we make of it. That's the whole purpose of life. I think it's everyone’s purpose. Accepting all forms of humanity is what we need to create a better society. It is that fucking simple. Tell me, American dreamer, is it because you think this society has nothing to improve on, that’ s why you refuse change? Do you do something because you love your hatred? Do you do nothing because you love nothing? Inaction or action, the result is the same: abuse rules. It rules more viciously through action, but inaction doesn't really do nothing. When you don’t act, you’re certainly not fixing the problem.
... I think if you want to live counter to life, you live believing that life is only one way. There is such a large inability to accept duality, diversity, difference as the foundation for everything human. I believe everything we grow and build should know this. We would be awed by what we could come up with through collaboration. Once we can see how diversity is the strongest foundation for humanity's endeavors, we are bound to see how awful and off-kilter our current world is. But does accepting everybody mean that I need to accept people who only view life as one way? I think I can accept the existence of these people, but I don’t think I could accept that as my way of living. Candidly, I’m not sure if I think it is a way others should even live. If I were to force my opinion on them though, it would not result in a change of mindset. It potentially could, but that line of thinking is emblematic of empire. My way is better, and I’m going to go over to where you are and make you do things my way. If you do ANYTHING I don’t like, don’t understand, or is unpredictable to me, I’ll fuck you up. The violence of empire is a lack of empathetic response and connection, and it’s not something I want to repeat. So what the hell should I do? |