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I recently watched Arcane season 2 and I knew it was gonna fuck me up but I expected it to be from Jinx, not Viktor and Jayce. I am so not normal about certain male couples (Quentin & Eliot, Arthur & Merlin) but how could I be, when writers give them the most insane tragic cosmic love stories.  Viktor and Jayce, Season 2 Episode 9 of Arcane I want to save the world and I am a perfectionist.* I think a lot of scientists can relate and I see a lot of myself in Viktor with disability too. It seems unquestionably logical that if I could cure migraine I would and that the world would be better off without it. Part of me truly believes I'm a lesser person for having chronic migraine, mental illness, scary genes, and a scarred past. Genetic disorders like thalassemia are horrible and I support the choice to not have kids because of it. It's something I consider in my life that some people don't, but some people do. While I never believed in this final, glorious evolution Viktor kept ranting about, I still feel inadequate as myself like all those people that came to Herald/Hexcore Viktor. Honestly, I really needed to hear Jayce's speech and Viktor's words. Viktor got to speak to his past self, something I've wished I could do a thousand times. I'm still fuzzy on the whole time thing and how past Viktor even exists to send Jayce back in time but his words man... "There is no prize to perfection. Only an end to pursuit. Only you can show me this." - Viktor"There is beauty in imperfections. They made you who you are. An inseparable piece of everything... I admired about you." - JayceIt's so sad how Jayce strayed from Viktor in season 1. They should've been together the whole time, because love would have given Viktor a lot of the answer-- peace-- he was looking for. If you fall in true love, disability isn't hated. Disability and imperfection is loved. But I have an extremely hard time accepting that could be true for me (that unique god-chosen but really prime human exceptionalism/emo ego mindset popping out), so I understand why others can't understand it for themselves. I can see how beautiful love is for others including the fact that it can find those that feel unlovable but I feel like I'll always be that outside person, not inside. That someone could look at me at my worst... on my bad days... and not lose respect or affection or desire feels more unrealistic than my dream of a world without capitalism. Jayce saying that the worst can even be what makes you beautiful was so romantic and sad and I have to admit, true. The scene where Viktor holds the rune, Jayce wraps his hands around it, the rune flashes and throws Jayce off, Viktor is scared and in pain, and Jayce comes back again was such a perfect visualization of what it is to love someone disabled... the coming back even if we cause accidental pain. It makes me happy that Jayce finally knows that's what Viktor needs because it makes me think somebody out there could see that's what I need. It also feels horribly embarrassing and vulnerable but this story and Queliot tell me that's okay because sometimes we are majorly depressed and vulnerable. That which causes us our deepest pain also provides an opportunity for greater love. It's freaking beautiful. Arcane is so sad because they do mirrors phenomenally well. Viktor and Jayce, Viktor and Jinx, Jinx and Vi, Ekko and Powder/Jinx, Caitlyn and Vi, Caitlyn and Jinx, Jinx & Silco, Vi and Vander... a lot of pairs with immense love. Relationships really get me but I like to think I get relationships too. I wonder if I'll write more about Arcane... lowkey I just wanna say Jinx is totally alive and I hope Ekko is living his best fucking life version 2.0
*I watched a video essay that describes Viktor from the beginning as compassionate and ambitious. The kindness within him makes him an alluring personality and it’s pleasing to know others see the good side too. I don’t know why, but it is.
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I am not your themfriend I am your boyfriend and your girlfriend. I want to be a husband and a wife and a spouse and a partner. Let's experience it all, you know? I am all the words for describing someone's love. I love human beings like a human being. I don't see the point in restricting myself to certain ways of loving and being loved; I want to love you as a person, as a complete self and as much you as I possibly can. Come with me please and let's be as human as possible.
Queer love is the first ground to understand. We can love others, romance multiple people, and fill our life with as much joy as possible. Hate fuels but it burns you out. Love can be endless. For me, being queer and living queer means living a loving and honest life. It is queer to this society and so many others because they lack a basis of love. The idea that somebody out there loves you, cares for you, and cares if you go missing should be something we feel all the time. No person should be denied their right to love because that is denying humanity. Willfully weakening the bonds of our social structures is fucking stupid because what the fuck does that help you with? Imagine if society loved all of us. A society that loves everybody will not stop loving you, my privileged reader who is anxious to lose their power. What changes is that everybody is loved. If you have no motivation to help others for the sake of others, at least consider the benefits you get from a society that loves you. The love you receive will only be stronger for being established between all.
Don't we all want more love in the world? How do we get there if you criminalize ways people love each other? Or do we not all want more love in the world.... and why not? What the fuck changes except there being MORE love. Capitalism creates a scarcity mindset but true love can be a renewable resource when we're in environments that foster the production of love. The ways society love you will change but that's because this society doesn't love anybody, even those at the top. It abuses you, forces you to abuse, and makes you think all of these ways of living are love when they're not. This society lies to us, emptying the places where love should be and filling them with fear. It's an emotion but not the one we are really searching for. This may be a naïve belief, but I believe that overall, humanity wants to love more. I see this every day when we reach for and create beautiful communities that support each other. In these spaces I see more humanity that I ever see in a cisgender, heterosexual, patriarchal, capitalist, racialized world. The exception of domination in a sexual context is possible in a world of love because of consent. I believe participating in kink on any level involves love. All elements are there and the importance of them stressed. They are acts of love between people, even if you do not choose to love this person as a romantic partner outside of play.
My experience is this. I crave a partner I can be of service to. I want them to let me make all the decisions for them because they don’t want to. Not mere indecisiveness, but a desire to be loved and cared for without worry. Who I can tell to fuck me harder, buy flowers for me at the grocery store, wash my hair, and who wants that just as bad as I want this. To be blessed with a partner who trusts me enough to give me this power: the power of control, of authority, of ascendancy. I believe this is possible and even healthy in a world of love. In this society and many others before ours, sexual deviance “beyond the norm” has been so fucking stigmatized, punished, and deeply disrespected. This violence is so unnecessary to our lives. How we love is who we are. That never stays suppressed for long nor should it. In a better world, we live honestly, courageously, and passionately. With loyalty to our values and who we love. I see no reason why this should mean hiding our sexual preferences. Believe that I firmly push back against the current veil of shame and secrecy surrounding kink and BDSM, because that is a veil around love. It deserves to be burnt to ashes. I am a person and I want to fuck people like a person. That's all we are! That's all we have to be! Genuinely, who benefits from gender roles? We can be duality and multiplicity in one being. You find people attractive and they find you attractive. Maybe there's patterns in who you like, but you'd also be surprised who you like if you let yourself see without gender roles for a minute. My gender is that I am a person. Society should be based in people, in humanity. How is this not obvious to everyone? Does it get any simpler or clearer than that? This. is all that matters. So my love is queer in this society and I don't care because this is how we should be living. To think that so many people don't see that? I struggle to understand. Beyond everything, we are humanity. Society is for us and we must make it so.
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