Depression, truth, and love.

At my lowest, depression offered searing yet insightful truths about myself. But the more negative the thought was, the more true I thought it was. What I learned in that time sucked me so far into myself that I lost sight of the full picture of who I am. I urge you to remember: depression cannot ever offer you the whole truth. You are not being honest with yourself if you cannot admit and believe in your best qualities. At the core of those, it is that you can live a loving life, loving others. Why? Because you are a being. Not even a human, but a thing on this earth that has the gift of experiencing time as it passes. 

​I have come out of my latest dark period with certain belief in many of my negative truths, but also with the motivation to better myself because of them. Betterment means drawing out the strands of love that weren’t apparent in past experiences, approaching new situations with each facet of love in mind, and practicing accepting peace with myself in the present. I don’t mean to suggest that you should romanticize the past. Instead, look from all angles to see the ways the elements of love were and were not present. What was lacking? What do you value the most? What did the people in your life value? Was anything good there?

I remember realizing at the peak of my depressive episode that I had not been healthily loved by the most important people in my life, by those that claimed to love me most. It is deeply negative statement, and it is true. This insight came to me in bed at 5 in the morning. I called my school’s 24/7 crisis line, and upon saying I am having a panic attack because I think nobody loves me or has loved me, the counselor responded, "Don't our worries just seem so childish and insignificant sometimes?" 

​Having read bell hooks now, I know that knowing love is not only of concern to the child but to all of us, as our destiny is love and fulfillment of the soul. In the deepest depths of my depression, the promise of love saved me. I was lucky enough to have a taste of true love that I savored long after it was gone, and the fortunate timing of a true love story that helped me regenerate when i was falling apart. It is intriguing and comforting to know that several conclusions I came to about love before reading bell hooks are affirmed in her work. That love can be learned through life experience alone reaffirms my belief in its power. It does seem easier to learn about love through her work, but I’m not sure if you would be able to understand if you didn't come to some conclusions about love already.