May 31st, 2025

All my old stuff is what people care about now, and it's too hard for other people to look back into my past and absorb that. I think these musings below fall into personal love so read at your own risk... I'm giving you a warning before you get to know me. Your choice buddy!

What I have been thinking about lately, even though I think most of my thoughts come too early for people to understand their significance, is sadism. That is a weird thing to bring in relation to love but I look at the categories I have on this blog (abuse, depression, love and kink) and think it's maybe not so different from thoughts I've had before. I've been thinking a lot about sadism because of the massive pain society is going through right now. So many support it and love it and find it fun. Most of humanity is obsessed with finding ways to have the most fun. And sadism is fun.

Within this blog and my Succession blog, I've had a lot of thoughts about pain, love, and their relationship. I have specific experiences in my personal life that have taught me a lot about those concepts too.

What I've learned is that people love pain and we are meant to. It's not something we love all the time, but we love it sometimes. Pain is fun, and humanity wants to have fun. Desire for entertainment is fundamental to humanity, just like our curious drive. Killers, made and born, have created a society that is fun for them. But the kind of pain we have is wrong. As a creative sadist myself, I see sweeter pain we could all experience. Humanity at its best is one that can love-- not glorify-- the pain of grief, tragedy, trauma, and heartbreak. I know suffering is inescapable, thanks to previous philosophers and my own experiences. And I think humanity can learn (and needs) to have a better relationship with pain. 

I'm not gonna talk too long about myself because my raw thoughts would get me sent to jail. What I will say for now is this. I like to hurt other people. I get bad people because I am a bad person. I can put myself in a killer's shoes (or a killer's head) because I can kill, myself. I find fun in violence, I like FPS games and throwing axes and breaking bottles and furiously stabbing cushions with steak knives like Joe Goldberg in season 5 of You. Sobbing and screaming and pleading are music to my ears. I know I'm evil which is why I know I'm capable of love, because I love evil. But maybe all of humanity is like this, and hasn't been processing this in a way to mitigate the pain because along with loving evil, I love good. I mean why do people love the yin yang symbol? It's because we see that true life is all of it and everything is inside each other and touching each other, darkness and light. Honestly after I typed all this out I feel like I'm so late getting to this conclusion cuz I've studied so much Western philosophy my brain is behind on what it means to be human. Ugh! How can I be too early and so slow at the same time? What the foop is this shit?