May 07th, 2025

To be very real I haven't stopped crying all day. What a sorrowful world. We need weapons and I need science to do something. I have many ideas that come from science fiction and fantasy but nothing concrete obviously. I've been trying to figure out my place in fighting and revolution but I have no idea who I am. Do I do science? Do I infiltrate with my knowledge or try to be the other side with the limited resources I have? Do I serve with a smile and a knife behind my back? Do I write and inspire others? Should I be in the spotlight or the background? Should I make more text posters or try to draw the better world I envision, abstract as it is? Do I hand-write myself into the world or keep my page out of the book?

What do I do? I swear I think about death and every day and given the right opponent I would crush them. But I'm not in the rooms I would need to be in. 

I've talked about sadism a lot with myself but I wonder if I should really write it out so other people can talk about it too. I think about Logan and Kendall talking with Stewy at the end of season two, how Logan covers Kendall's hand with his own when Stewy talks about cutting their dicks off and shoving it up their cunts, how this is one of the only moments of real emotion from Logan. Violence understands and fears violence AND violence is easy. I was a fucked up kid and while I never watched truly horrible shit on Reddit or whatever, I knew how to take apart a human being pretty young. It is not hard to imagine for me. Many don't have this monster within them but I think that is why I am capable of empathizing with horrible people cuz I want to do horrible things too. This is one of those 4 am truth moments where I wonder if I'm too vulnerable towards the void.